and even if i could stop time

I probably wouldn't.

where am I going?

The World

is spinning faster than i can control.

My hands are like butter, slipping on the grip.

I wish I knew what to do in my life, but really im stuck.

I know what I want, but I dont think that its best.

since when do i give a fuck about whats best?

"my mind moves like a freeway, fast as hell."

how do i catch up with myself?

or better yet...

how do i catch up with those around me?

Time

consumes me,

I'm ready for this year to go by. I want to surround myself with new people.

I want my freedom, I want my food stamps, I want my old anarchist self back.

reduce, reuse, recycle.

High school: you have literally eaten me alive. My morals have stayed the same, but my mouth has become a giant door, locked.

I want to scream, I want to say what I'm thinking.

I don't know what happened, I used to not give a shit.

If my mind was frustrated, It was announced with words and body actions.

what happened over the course of 3 years, why do I care?

I just want to love myself again, and I don't need anyones help but my own.

Hello,

Everywhere I go, it tends to be this and that.

Of course I'm wrong, I mean I have to be.

Every time I turn I know it's you I see.

I can't help but stare until your image goes away.

Every day I can't help but wish I didn't stick up for myself.

Make the right choice, maybe?

Everything I own is in question now, 

It's not the same. So why not get rid of it?

Every way I do things seems to be inept.

My social skills come off well, but in the end they are short.

Every flaw I have, you seem to notice.

I don't think I've ever felt worse about myself,

Every wish I've ever made, never came true.

My wish was to have you, look how that turned out.

to be honest i dont even know how to end this

Oh Highschool,

why cant you be shorter.

Dear Prick,

I cant believe i fucking went for it.
I mean everything that ever came out of your mouth,
was a fucking lie.
I can't ever trust you again,
i dont think you ever loved me,

I think you still love her.
In a sort of screwed up way that i guess
i "will never understand" says you.

All those nights i spent falling for you,
you probably didnt feel quite the same.
Im not sure what your initial intentions were,
but they didn't really end the way i expected.

you are telling people you want to
make things work with me,
then why the HELL havent you
taken initial.

Im hurt,
tworn in two.
this is a really bitter experience for me.
Maybe I'll learn from it,
and maybe you will.
but probably not.


Love your Ex lover

Ashlyn

ps. you are an asshole

dear asshole

ive been hearing things left and right.
dont go for it, go for it, are you nuts? he's crazy.

god i want so bad to be with you.
why cant i bring myself to do it?
is it the lack of trust?
the past of cheating?
the fact that when im with you, i mean everything to you,
but when im with you and other people, i am nothing but a mere peer?

probably all of the above.
if i could just feel as special as you make it seem you think i am,
than maybe i could believe you.

its not that i want to be a showcase to you,
i just wish people would know about us.
that im not just some girl whose crazy for you
i mean, whats so embarrassing about me anyways?

you say you want to be with me, but what if i dont give you what you want?
would you go elsewhere to get it? thats what im afraid of.
are you still hooked on her?
or maybe are you still hooked on fucking her?
well thats what i hear.
but i dont want to go off of what other people say, but i mean, if its true, how could i not?

you make me feel like shit, all the time.
its like im a toy, that you get bored of, but then everyonce and a while, you want to go back too.
it KILLS me.
is all the time i spent content with you, really worth all the time i have felt like shit because of you?

i mean honestly, i dont think ive ever been so crazy for someone.
ive never been extremely jealous.
ive never cared this much.
ive never wanted anything more in this world.

but..the issue is, id constantly be paranoid if i was with you.
do you know how many beautiful woman want to be with you?
i mean, why me? it makes me feel like, if given the opportunity, you would say the exact same thing.
"why her?"


ventventvent. thats what i love to do, thats what i need to do.
now...what do i do?